My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
