Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
