I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
