Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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