she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize