eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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