Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
