I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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