I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
