It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
