theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
