I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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