I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
