Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
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i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Boobs are out for the taking
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
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We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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