Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
