Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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