fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
only if we run a train.
done.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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