I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
