I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
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