Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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