I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
