and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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