I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
