I puked a lego.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
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I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just forgot I was standing up.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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