Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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