I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
