You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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