DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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