I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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