glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
