3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
