I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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