he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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