i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
