Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
