My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She's like a pop up book from hell.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
