I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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