I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
