Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
