Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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