I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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