my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
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It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Houston, we have a blender
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
BRING THE BAGELS
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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