theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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