We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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