I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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