Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
