A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
He? As in you personified your dick?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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