I'm gonna have a badass scar
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
