I've blown a few things in my day
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
