i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
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