I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
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she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
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When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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