I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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