After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
