Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
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