I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
