you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
