In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
